I have grown so much more conservative with age.
Just now saw a video posted on facebook that I would consider, if you asked me years ago, to be just a bit on the questionable side, but which I now find is just plain tasteless.
The video was a reminder of a culture that’s prevalent in gay men. A culture defined by keeping a certain appearance, a certain lifestyle, a certain casualness about personal connections – if you know what I mean.
In the Philippines, back in my 20s, I recall going out nearly every night. It felt so incomplete if I didn’t. The Library, Penguin Cafe, Subway. When I moved to the States, I had some adjusting to do but after a few years, when I became more at ease and made myself a circle of friends, the same routine came back.
I went to the gym (a lot!), avoided carbs like the plague, bought Andrew Christian and 2xist, wore my hair short, and went to bars and clubs every weekend. I tried to look, sound, and behave a particular way because I thought success (in the hunt) meant fitting in and keeping with the program that I wanted to be part of. This went on till my mid-30s which is when I began to feel an increasing ridiculousness to it all. It’s likely I was just wanting something more (which would explain why I left and moved to Europe) and couldn’t wave away the increasingly hollow feeling that came with it.
I’m in my early 40s now, and thankfully I find more satisfaction in a glass of wine on my terrace, or relaxing on my couch at home in front of my computer.
I’m proud to report that I’ve finally graduated from the gym.
I’m not as concerned with how tight my clothes are – I no longer look like I always buy my shirts from the boy’s section.
I eat rice as much as I want and when I want.
I’m becoming inexorably, an old fart. Such a far cry from my footloose and fancy-free past.
In case you’re wondering, here’s the link to the video. NSFW! (for most conservative people, at least)